Trials of Heather

2008-04-26T16:30:00.001-05:00

I am now 35 weeks pregnant. There is my big round baby belly. Not very cute i know. ;) I am starting to feel more comfortable about this whole pregnancy thing, and now it is almost over. I had some bumps in the way however, but we are very excited to think about the fact that our little one will be here in 5 weeks. It is crazy! I never thought I would make it this far.

Sorry to everyone for not writing for a bit, it has just been too crazy lately around here. I had 2 baby showers already, and got a ton of clothes. We have the nursery almost set up totally. I washed and dried all the clothes and sheets and blanket for the baby. All we are waiting for is the baby now.

I am starting to freak out a little thinking about how we didn't have any testing done on this baby. There was the risk of miscarriage for the amnio. I didn't want to have m/c #3. Hopefully this baby is born healthy.

2008-01-10T17:34:00.000-06:00

On Saturday i will be 20 weeks pregnant. At my ultrasound last Tuesday they told me everything was fine with my baby. Which is so awesome. I am scared everyday though that something bad will happen. I still can't believe i have made it this far. It is scary and exciting all in one. I am half way there. I still haven't felt my baby kick and am not sure why. I keep reading how all these women feel the baby kick at 16-18 weeks and i still haven't felt anything. I do have a nice round of round ligament pain though. And that sucks so far.

My parents are super excited along with my hubby's parents but i am guarding myself. I am scared that something will happen so i take a step back. I will hopefully get more and more excited as this goes on but it is still a little scary to me to get attached with this baby. I have already had 2 miscarriages and am scare that i will lose this one too.

2007-11-25T14:30:00.000-06:00

I haven't been on here in ages. I needed to get away for a while. So much has happened. I needed emergency surgery in July because i hemorrhaged from my HCG levels being so high and still had a piece left from the M/C. That was very scary and i was told that i might not be able to have a kid ever because of scar tissue. We decided that I needed a new Dr, so we switched. I am happy to say that i am 13 weeks pregnant and hoping that everything will stay going the right way! I SOOOOOO hope that i get a baby out of this FINALLY! I have started to gain weight which is freaking me out. And now my clothes don't really fit. I might have to get some maternity clothes! That is too scary for me. If all goes well my Due date is May 31, 2008.

2007-05-09T18:57:00.000-05:00

Well my hormone levels are still not zero. This is ridiculous....

I had a blood test today and haven't found out the results yet. I guess i will have to wait until tomorrow. It was my birthday yesterday and all i could think about was how much i miss not being pregnant. I should have had a baby by now. I am going on a diet to lose some weight since this whole pregnant and then m/c cycle has caused some weight gain and I really am not liking it. Don't get me wrong i would love to be pregnant again, but while we wait and try i will be trying to cut some weight. I heard that this could help me in the getting pregnant part too and i am willing to try anything at this point.

Sorry that i haven't been on here in forever. I guess i needed a break and it was less painful maybe not to write here, i don't know. I can't stand the Mother's Day commericals that are on TV lately. I have to flip though them. I start crying otherwise uncontrollably. I want a baby so badly. I hope i get great results tomorrow. I want to get on with my life and try again.

2007-03-29T18:04:00.000-05:00

I had some more problems... i had an elevated hCG hormone levels... it was 300 a week ago and i was still spotting 4 weeks out. Now it dropped to 90 so hopefully it will keep dropping.

A friend at work just lost her first baby a week ago.. she was 7 weeks along. It was very similar to what happened to me that it brought back bad memories. She is very positive with everything. She knows what happened to me and was very helpful with me... and i think she is an inspiration to me... She is so positive that it has started to rub off on me... And I think i have found myself again though.

As soon as my hCG level goes to zero we can try again... i very much look forward to that day. I am going to be more positive with all of this stuff... i pray everything will work out and we will have a beautiful baby in our arms in a year.

2007-03-15T17:23:00.000-05:00

I told my husband that i was read to start trying again... i am having second thoughts all of a sudden... I am starting to freak out. I am so scared that it will happen again. Maybe i am not ready yet. And then another part of me says that i had better go for it since i would like to have a baby soon. And i don't think i could be happy knowing there is a beautiful crib and rocking chair up in the nursery gathering dust. I really wish we hadn't bought all of that yet and got the nursery ready so early... we really thought that tragedy wouldn't strike twice....we were horribly wrong. I want to get past this i really do, but it is hard sometimes. I really thought that i would have had a baby in my arms by now. I have to gear up for another go around and pray that everything work out this next time.

I have started crying more...guess you could say that i had a set back. A girl at work was telling the horrible story about some women that got pregnant and bad stuff happened and kept talking to me even after i told her to stop and went back to my desk... She doesn't quit... I know she has had some m/c's before and all but you would think that she would understand that i am still grieving... this is the same women that blabbed about my m/c to everyone at work, so i can't say that her actions surprised me in any way. I read about a kid being abused and lost it at work!

I want this to be over and be pregnant again...but i am so scared. I don't know if i can handle another m/c. The 2 that i had have been hard enough. If i have another than i will really doubt my body. I already have been thinking about what is wrong with me. I wish i knew what the future held. I wish i could find out if i finally was able to have a baby in my arms. Anyone have a magic ball out there?

Thanks again for every one's comments...they really help know that i am not alone in this journey.

2007-03-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

OK, Sorry it took me so long to write back. I have a new game plan. I have a golf-ball sized cyst on my ovary. It is the type that shouldn't affect a pregnancy so they think it didn't cause my 2 m/c's. The Dr. is basically giving me 6 months to try to get pregnant again. If i am not pregnant in 6 month i will have to have another ultrasound to check on the cyst. The Dr. is hoping that it isn't currently growing. She doesn't want to removed it until we have a baby because it could cause scar tissue making it harder to conceive again. Given the size of my cyst it could cause problems... i guess it could grow bigger and cause the ovary to twist on itself causing intense pain and emergency surgery to remove it. I hope it doesn't come to this. I am praying that i will get pregnant soon...and when i do i have to call my Dr. to get an appointment ASAP and get a blood test to check progesterone levels to make sure it isn't too low. Also i will have a early ultrasound then too, although a lot of good that did me last time since it showed the baby was fine then. All i can say is that i am starting to feel a little bit better, but still manage to cry everyday, but usually only once instead of most of the day. I am trying to just go with the flow but it is harder some days than others. I was given the go ahead to try again anytime, but am choosing to wait a cycle just to make sure everything is where it should be. I will admit I am scared to death! I pray i don't have another miscarriage. I don't think i could handle dealing with that again.

I will try to check everyone's blogs tomorrow. I just wanted to update everyone tonight, so no one is worrying about me. And once again, thank you for your support.

2007-03-07T16:23:00.000-06:00

Today was a bad day.... All I did was cry today.

I found out that the girl that i talk to at work and consider my friend at work is pregnant. I was the 1st person that she told at work and all i could muster up was "cool". How lame am I? We went out to lunch today so we could talk, and she knew about my m/c. She told me she was pregnant. She isn't going to tell anyone at all until she is 3 months along after hearing the "hell" i went through. She is 6 weeks along. I feel happy for her, but at the same time very sad because it reminded me about the baby that i lost.

Then i had to go to the allergist. All of his nurses there seem to know i was the pregnant one and all came up to ask how i was doing and how the morning sickness was....I told them that we lost our baby...and then i had to talk to the dr. about it so by the time i was talking to him i started crying. I find myself wondering why the world has to be so cruel to me.

Friday i got to the OB doctor and find out about my cyst. Pray for me, i am scared that i will have to lose my ovary. I am so scared that it will affect my fertility. I just want a child of my own that I can hold in my arms and love. I used to wish for a girl. Now I just want a baby of my own to rock. A baby of my own to love and watch grow.

I wanted to say thank you for everyone's comments, they have helped me immensely.

I also want to say a special thank you to canape for leaving in my comments:

"You already are a mom. You have carried those little lives and cared for them as no one else could. Even though you never got to meet them face to face, they are still your children and you are still a mom."

That really touched me. I cry ever time i read it but you put it so beautifully.

2007-03-04T17:19:00.000-06:00

I have to go back to work tomorrow since my medical leave is over. I am scared since i haven't been at work for a full day yet so far. On Wednesday i was at work for most of the day since a co-worker had surgery on her elbow and wasn't there. Thursday i made it about 3 hours through the day and was balling so badly i decided i needed to work from home since the said co-worker still was gone. Friday I was at work a couple hours too until the said coworker finally decided that maybe she should come to work so i left. I have to be at work a full day now the rest of the week. It is going to be hard and I pray that most people will just leave me alone. I know my coworker will probably bug the crap out of me since she hasn't really seen me since everything happened. But i decided that i will ignore her personal emails to me since i really don't want to talk to anyone about it.

My husband's belated birthday dinner went well... His parents didn't mention it at all so all went well there. Now i am just worried about work tomorrow. There is anther girl at work, about my age, i told about what happened and she is trying to conceive too so we have become pretty good friends. It is great to have someone at work to talk to about it. We will probably go out to lunch Tuesday since i know we both have a big meeting tomorrow.

I read to my husband what i wrote about it him and started crying today. I am pretty depressed. I feel like i will have meaning to my life if i am a mom. I feel like there is a huge chunk missing from my life right now. I WANT to be a Mom so badly. I feel like i was put on this earth to be a great mom.

My mom sent me a very sweet email at work and i lost it and cried for quite a while. And although she never had a miscarriage I know she had some fertility problems. I think she knows how i feel. In the last line she wrote was " The deal little one we all lost is an angel, smiling at us, wanting us to embrace life and go on, even when it is so hard and hurts so much." That line really got to me. I want to try again, i just don't think i can go through another miscarriage. I pray that it doesn't happen again. Like my husband told me "third time is a charm". Hopefully that will hold true. I have to wait to try again until we find out more about that cyst too.. I pray that i don't have to lose an ovary.

2007-02-28T17:20:00.000-06:00

Thanks everyone for your comments. It is going to be hard for a little bit. I tried going back to work today. Apparently a lot of people found out that we lost our baby. So many people were coming up to me wanting to know what happened. It was bad. I finally decided that i couldn't deal with it anymore and started telling people that it was too hard to talk about right now. And said thanks for the support. I am going to take tomorrow and Friday off. I can't go to work and deal with this anymore. Work is already stressful without me sitting there wondering when someone is going to ask me about the miscarriage. I know they are worried about me, but i can't do it. I start crying when they mention it.

My husband and I have decided that we want to try one more time to have baby. But i think my dr. appt next Friday will decide somethings. I have to ask more questions about that cyst on my ovary. I hope that if we get that taken care of that it will end our problems. Maybe i am hoping for a miracle, but it would be nice to have something good happen for a chance to us.

I will say this: This miscarriage has brought my husband and I closer to each other. And I love him more than i did before. I am falling in love with him all over again. That sounds so weird to me, but it is true. He is so supportive and loving. When i am/was balling my eyes out he is gives me the biggest hugs and tells me it will be ok. I am lucky to have such a great husband. I know he is in pain too with this, but he always is so supportive with me.

This Sunday we are supposed to go over to my in laws and I don't think I want to go. They are throwing him a belated Birthday dinner for him. They are nice people and all, i just hope that they will leave our m/c alone. I know they are sad too, but i can't talk about it. I only feel comfortable talking to my husband, my mom and my blogger friends. It is too hard to talk to his parents. I really don't want to start crying in front of them. I find it easier typing it out then actually saying it anyways.

I went up to the nursery and started balling last night. I know i probably shouldn't have gone up there, but I keep thinking about how perfect it would have been. We already had it all painted and the crib assembled. It was hard to see an empty crib that wouldn't be full anytime soon. I think that is when we decided that we wanted to try one more time. It would be a shame to leave that room empty. For now I closed the door to that room and will stay out of there for now. I pray that someday we will have a beautiful baby in that crib.

2007-02-26T09:22:00.000-06:00

A lot has changed in a month! We just found out last Thursday that we lost our baby. I went into the doctor with some bleeding, which they told me was probably nothing, to find out through an ultrasound that our baby didn't make it past 8 1/2 weeks. This totally is so hard to deal with especially since it is the 2nd miscarriage for us. We had a D&C on Friday and went home and both my husband and we laid on the bed and cried for the rest of the day. My hubby has been supper supportive this time around. This sucks, i don't understand why this happened to us again. I have never seen my hubby cry before. He told me that he can't go through this again. I don't think i have it in me to go through it again either. It is too hard.

I also found out that i have a cyst on my ovary, which they think they need to remove. This freaks me out too, since i worry about us trying one more time without my ovary. I don't know what they are going to say more about it. I go to my appt in 2 weeks for recheck after the surgery and will ask more then. I wonder if the cyst contributed in our miscarriage? Anyone know? I have been praying like crazy this go around and have started to lose some faith. I think it has to do with be very depressed.

My doctor gave me a week off of work but i am scared that i will lose my job if i take it. So i am going to try to go back in tomorrow. I hope everyone at work leaves me alone and then it shouldn't be too bad.

2007-01-28T11:59:00.000-06:00

I went to my Dr. appt last Monday and they think everything is perfect. I got an ultrasound on the Wednesday last week I saw the baby. I had my husband go to the ultrasound appt because i was pretty scared that all of a sudden it would be gone or something. It had a heartbeat of 122. It was so small you could hardly make anything out. I am 7 weeks and 2 days. I am due on September 11, which my husband pointed out to me is "freaky"... but usually they aren't born on that exact date anyways.

We decided that we are going to tell everyone in our family about our baby. My husband's parents were pretty excited and my mom says she sensed it. I have been trying to tell my Dad about it by webcam but unfortunately he hasn't been on much. And i have been to sick to tell him. Somehow we can't meet up right. I wanted to see the look on his face when i told him and since he lives so far way i was trying to use our webcam with the use of something called Skype to tell him. I just hope that this time everything goes as planned.

I have a party for a triathlon club i am in to go to today shortly, which i don't know if i should go to or not, seeing as how i am not feeling very good today. I suppose i should get going. I will try to read every one's blog soon as lately i have been pretty sick, but i need to at least try.

2007-01-13T18:15:00.000-06:00

Thank you for everyone's support. It means the world to me. :)

About a week until my appt with the Dr....and as I still have the pregnancy systems... Morning (or should i say lunch) sickness sucks.. I have puked yet, but smells are really getting to me. I feel like i can smell things a lot more than i used to. Smells of food at lunch time at work make me not feel so good. I have to look at this a good thing though, because it means i am still pregnant. My breasts are extremely tender. I am very emotional, I was crying when i was watching Grey's Anatomy on Thursday and had a hard time stopping even after the commerical break was done. I am tired beyond belief, i feel like i could sleep the whole day away if i wanted to. I think my asthma is worse to, which worries me a little...i guess i will have to make an appt with my allergist too, to get that all checked out.

I am still scared that i am going to lose this baby...but i have to start looking at it this way: I didn't make it past 5 weeks last time. I am 6 weeks pregnant! I need to start enjoying this. But that is easier said than done. If my husband has his way this will be our only baby. I would like more, but will be happy with one for now. I pray EVERY NIGHT that everything will go alright and that i wouldn't lose this one. I went into the babies room today, and sat on the floor and thought about how i wanted to decorate it! I also thought how awesome it is going to be having an actual baby in that room. I want this so badly i hope i make it full term.

I was talking to my dad online today and i really wanted to spill the beans to him... but didn't. My dad knows about the m/c and i think he took that hard...so i will tell him after my appt on the 22 and after i know the test come back ok.

2007-01-08T16:51:00.000-06:00

I still feel pregnant so I guess that is a good sign... and have the typical signs of pregnancy... But this time around i am not as excited about it... I am scared that this will be m/c #2 ... I keep telling myself to be positive, but it is hard...

I made my 1st appt with my Dr. on January 22nd to see the Dr.'s nurse....apparently this is the 1st step... This is the step i didn't make it past last time and when they noticed things were going wrong last time... i pleaded with them to get an earlier time but they are too booked... I am scared that i wouldn't make it past this point... last time i barely made it past a week past when my period was.

February 5 is coming in a month, and that was my last due date for the baby that i lost and i don't know how I feel about that... nervous I guess... I hope this year is the perfect year, and I have this baby in September! I have started praying, something i used to never do... I pray every night that my baby is OK, and that there is nothing wrong with it, and that i wouldn't lose it. That sounds sad, but it guess me something to do and i don't feel as scared when i talk to God. But it usually ends in me crying... hormones maybe, i don't know. I hope I can experience the joys of motherhood, something that i have wanted since i can remember.

I am off to grab a nap...I'm so tired.

2007-01-06T10:44:00.000-06:00

Hopefully everyone can read what this says.. :) It is great news for us finally... now I feel scared since i lost the last baby... I don't know if i should be excited or not... I have to make my 1st Dr. appt. Unfortunately I will have to wait until Monday to call since i finally took the test last night. We are not going to tell anyone until February since we lost the last baby so early.

2006-12-07T18:05:00.000-06:00

I got my period today, so I take back what I said... I got my period along with a nice cold...So that might be where I was feeling sick from... I am not crying this time around... But I am still upset about it, since this is what I have wanted for forever...But I have to pick up the pieces and think about the next cycle. I guess we have to keep trying and hopefully some day we will have our bundle of joy. Great now the tears are falling.

2006-12-06T18:25:00.000-06:00

I guess I need to post more... Maybe I should try to post at least once per week.

I hope I'm pregnant...only a couple more days to wait....since I am not technically late yet... But I feel like I am pregnant... I think... Since I don't have a ton of experience with this, since my last time ended in miscarriage.... I am feeling sick and have heartburn and food adversions... Also my asthma is better for some reason... Just like last time. I HOPE I AM (and I hope if I am it goes full term).... I need a Christmas miracle of some sort.

I am totally not feeling Christmas this year... I don't know entirely sure why... I guess maybe it has something to do with I can't let go of the m/c... I keep thinking about how many months I would be...

I went to the Allergist for my asthma...I made sure that everything that I was on would be ok...He said it will be... This is something I meant to do before I get pregnant the last time, but it ended before I ever got there...And then lets just say that I let a lot of things drop to the wayside afterwards... I have a one in three chance of my asthma getting worse when pregnant, and one in three chance of it getting better, and of course it could stay the same... From the short while I was pregnant last time my asthma was better...

2006-11-22T20:34:00.000-06:00

Meet my new distraction... Peaches, our peach-faced Lovebird... I need something to baby right?

2006-11-22T20:31:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It isn't so happy around here right now...as I lost my grandfather about 5 years ago around Thanksgiving, so it has always been tough... and my side of the family is really pissing me off lately. My mom is a piece of work, she hasn't called me since the miscarriage, which I told her about and then tonight she kept asking me when she will get her 1st grandchild... like I need that kind of pressure. I have enough pressure on my own thank you very much. My dad lives in another state so I don't get to see him very much, but I miss him like crazy. It has always been tough around the holidays... Holidays have been nothing but disappointment after disappointment for me. I am hoping this year something will change, but so far not so good.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last post... I wasn't trying to be mean... just raw emotion sometimes slaps me in the face. I find myself awake when I should be sleeping, thinking how great it would be to finally have a child... but then a couple minutes later turning it into a negative thing in my head, thinking it wouldn't happen to me. I wish I could be more positive I am trying to be positive. I just want this child more than I have ever wanted anything EVER... I would give anything to have a child. I am still telling my husband that i want a baby for Christmas.... I am hoping for a Christmas miracle.

2006-11-12T14:53:00.000-06:00

I'm in a little bit better of a mood. Thanks for your kind comments... Does anyone watch Grey's Anatomy??? The last episode is what I think really set me off last Thursday. I felt like I was reliving my miscarriage all over.

My husband and I were talking....and if I am not pregnant by January, I am going in to see the Dr again... Maybe I need help in this area, and maybe it was a fluke that I got pregnant (and Miscarried) the last time. My husband says he wants to do everything natural though, so I am hoping that it will happen. He doesn't want to do anything that requires him to "shoot his stuff in a cup". So I am limited. I am unsure of what to do. I told my husband that the only thing I want for Christmas was a baby! I told him to NOT buy me anything. And the sad thing is: I meant it. Even though this is easier said than done, I hope it happens... I need to have hope. I'm trying to be more positive again.

2006-11-09T21:46:00.000-06:00

I'm back... We're still trying....still NOT pregnant and just got my AF today....so i sit here at 9:45pm on a Thursday night while my husband is in bed alone and I'm crying because it hurts so badly. I want a baby so badly... I just want one thing in my life...ONE, and i can't seem to pull that off... I don't even know how many people read this blog anymore, since i haven't posted for so long... I thought i could do this alone... i can't... i need my blog buddies. I missed everyone. I'll try to write more tomorrow, and hopefully i can be more upbeat, but for now i feel defeated and lost and alone.

2006-08-27T12:20:00.000-05:00

Bad Bad Blogger...

Sorry that I haven't been blogging much lately... went though a lot of depression lately... I just pulled myself out of it this morning, when my husband sat down with me as I was crying and told me that I shouldn't be so negative anymore...I need to be positive and hopefully thing will happen... I think finally I might be on the up swing of that right now though. I made it through everything and I got the ok from the doctor to try again now... So we were going to wait until after our Florida trip which will happen at the end of September... But I think Hubby saw the sadness in my eyes from having to wait so we are going to try again. I hope everything works this time and goes to the end. I am scared beyond belief right now to even think that we are trying again... I guess I should take this one step at a time though, right????

I bet you also are curious about our Florida trip to right?? We started planning a trip to Florida to get away from it all here. At first I wasn't so keen on it since I felt we might be running away from everything here, but now I really want to go. My dad lives in Florida so I am very excited. I found this Hotel at Animal Kingdom Disney Lodge, it is on Disney Animal Kingdom's lot, so you can see animals from our hotel room.... VERY excited about that... I would post a link but I don't know how to do that on here. I am new to blogger...Sorry. Then we are going to go to all of Disney's parks.. And then go to Universal Studios, and go to Emeril's Orlando restaurant to eat... .And we are going to the beach and spend some time with my dad and my step mom. And going to Kennedy Space Center. :) Gives me something to look forward to since everything else didn't go so well.

2006-08-04T12:34:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to feel more like myself again.... Sorry that it has been so long since I last posted. It is crazy at work right now.

My HCG went from 52 on 7/18 prior to my D&C,(which i had on 7/21)
to 37 on 7/27
to 9 on 8/3

so it is going down... I am feeling very relieved. I have to go back in on August 10 for what I hope to be my final time to check my HCG.... I am hoping it goes to zero. The Pathology report came back normal so I don't know what that means. I don't know if I should take that as the baby was normal or my tissue. I just want to get on with my life now... I will always feel for my loss. Lately I have been feeling depressed but hoping that will get better with time... I don't know I am new at this. I am waiting for my period to start, which I don't have a clue when that will start, since everything has been out of whack since June. I guess wait and see.

I talked to the Dr about getting pregnant again and she thinks it should be fine. I am hoping it will. We probably wouldn't try again for a little bit to try to get things back to normal again. The Dr. didn't tell us when we could try again, but it wouldn't be for a bit. With the D&C I maxed out the flex benefit money, so it will be a little bit, maybe start trying in Nov. Or Dec. I don't know.

2006-07-25T12:15:00.000-05:00

Thank you for all the kind words from everyone. Thank you Nikole for posting about it on your blog. It helped during my recovery time being able to read everyone's comments... It helped to know there are people who care out there.

My mind right now is all muddy... I am back at work today after my "procedure" and someone comes up to me and says "where is that report that you run on Monday and where were you...It seems like you are a part time employee now." Thanks I needed that support from him... I haven't told too many people at my work, other than my boss, who has been pretty supportive.

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Last Friday when I went in for the D&C I was really freaked out...And when I went back with the nurses to get ready for the D&C they asked me why I was having one...Then a couple minutes later another nurse asked why, and then another...So by then I had tears streaming down my face... I was doing ok with the 1st nurse, but it just continued over and over... And then after the D&C I woke up freaked out and didn't know where I was, so more tears... I don't remember a whole lot, my hubby tells me that I would cry for a couple minutes, and then fall asleep for 5 minutes, and then repeated the cycle for almost an hour. All I remember was begging for my husband. Finally he was allowed back back by me and I felt very calm. I went home with MAJOR cramps and slept the rest of the day. Then my hubby woke me up and asked if there was anything I wanted from the store...And he went and got everything I asked for... And he was the best help through out the day, doing whatever I asked him...Even though I felt a little bad that I had to ask him.

The next day, Saturday, I woke up with cramps still and my hubby laid with me for a couple hours until I feel asleep again, and then proceeded to wash my car for me...He always washes my car for me when I am upset about something...I don't know if this is his way of dealing with things or what.

On Sunday and Monday it was much of the same, except my hubby wasn't really helping me too much anymore...Monday he gave me crap because he decided that I shouldn't be home, I should be at work, and was mad I was watching TV when he called...And was giving me crap about sleeping in until 9:00am. ... What else is there to do when you don't feel good? The dog stayed snuggled up to me the entire day and we watched TV followed by getting up to get something to drink/eat...And to let the dog out every couple hours.

2006-07-20T13:27:00.000-05:00

I went to the doctor on Tuesday... So basically the Dr thinks I have a "molar degeneration of placental tissue" also called a Hydatidiform mole. She told me that it is a kind of tumor of tissue from placenta. They said it is treated with a D&C and methotrexate (which is a anti-cancer drug) I researched this all online last night and found out more than I probably should have and am worried/scared...It could be benign but it could be cancerous to...And I may not be able to have a baby for up to a YEAR...I haven't talked to the doctor yet about it too much...Since I was in shock when I went in, and because of this, she wrote everything down for me (or maybe she always writes things down for people, I don't know, since this was my first visit with her.) After my researching, I am pretty positive that that is what it is... I really am so sick of dealing with this crap, I just want it over with already... I started bleeding on Saturday, and thought it might be my period, she doesn't think so... I guess the whole thing is rare, but I am the lucky one. I pretty upset about this whole thing...I just want some kind of normalcy in my life again...At first I stopped talking to my husband about all of this because he doesn't get it...I told him the facts and ended it there. He was making it worse... Now that everything is scheduled for a D&C tomorrow, I had no choose. I told him... He has been very supportive of everything since I told him this morning...

I am crying of course because on one hand it is upsetting and on the other it is a relief because I have been dealing with this shit for so long.

I waited to post anything on this blog because I was scared and didn't know what I should do...They wanted me to wait at first...But I opted to just do the D&C. I am so sick of this... I am scared of this D&C.... I just have to suck it up and get through this.

2006-07-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

Thanks for everyone's kind words.

On Saturday I got my AF. (Bad cramps, the worst I have ever had, TMI probably, but I am questioning if that is normal.) I am not sure what that means because my doctor told me that I wouldn't get my AF. Hmmm... I still have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I guess I will still go to that...I wasn't sure if I should or not...but it would probably be good to go.

Today marks a month of the miscarriage happening... It's so sad to think that it has been a month...It certainly doesn't feel like it has been a month. I have stopped talking to my husband about everything involving the m/c because it is too difficult to talk to him...He doesn't get it.

Saturday will be a big family fun day for us...I still have to decide if I want to go to it or not... It might be a good thing to get out for a change... and my husband is not going to go with me... It's going to be hard to see my cousin very pregnant... Ever since this happened I am more aware of all the pregnant woman everywhere I go....and I always think that it could have been me...and I get really upset about it... I try to not cry in a public place, but trust me I lose it in my car.

I will let you know about my appointment tomorrow after I go. I am at a loss for words right now.

2006-07-11T09:47:00.000-05:00

I wish my Dr. appointment was sooner... This is so hard waiting for an answer... I still feel a little pregnant which makes this all harder... I have so much flying through my head right now... All the what ifs... What if I am never able to have a baby??? What if there is something majorly wrong with me?? What if... I am scared that I will have to have that D&C... and scared that it might impact my fertility in the future... Maybe I have read too much on the internet, but I have found that they are linking too many D&C's to miscarriage... I don't know if I should believe it or not, but it scares me...

On an emotional level I am having a very difficult time, crying a lot...and my husband thinks he is being supportive...but really he is just annoying me...and I am scared that it will effect our marriage... He doesn't understand that sometimes I just need to grieve for the loss... Sometime I worry and I don't see anything wrong with that... We fight now more than ever... He keeps telling me that I am grumpy... I am depressed about this whole thing... I have never had to deal with something so difficult in my life. I just wish he would be more supportive. He works so many nights that he doesn't really have to, and I wish he would stay home and stay by my side... I wonder, do you think I am driving him to stay at work??????

I went up to what would have been the nursery in our new house, and lost it last night... I had planned everything out in there in my head...It's so hard to think about what would have been...

2006-07-07T17:37:00.000-05:00

The dr. called me back.....not good.

I finally got my call back for the midwife... she told me that my pregnancy hormone went up a little again... and she told me "this is not a normal pregnancy. A normal pregnancy the hormone should double in two days." It has been a week since the last blood test and it has only gone up a couple...from 49 to 52... which means there is probably tissue left there. Basically since all this is going on i wouldn't be able to try again, since i wouldn't even have a cycle since the hormone neeeds to go to zero...She made me an appointment with an OB since the midwife doesn't know what to do anymore.... I go in on July 18 at 2:00pm.

I told my husband about it and he keeps telling me i need to be patient and why am i still ccrying about it.... i am having a dificult time with this... I can't stop crying.... i keep thinking about what will happen if we can't ever have kids... i don't like the thought, as i have always wanted kids... Why can't he be more suportive... i can't deal with this on my own... I wanted this so badly i kept hoping that i was pregnant again... I don't know what this doctor will do... I don't know if this means that i will have to do a D&C or what... The midwife didn't know what to tell me.

2006-07-07T09:54:00.000-05:00

I am waiting for the Doctor's office to call me back again!!!! I had blood taken yesterday to check my pregnancy hormone level. They also told me my blood pressure was high, which they put me on meds to try to get it down... I wonder though if my blood pressure is high because every time I go into that place I have rushing emotions of my m/c coming back to me. Hopefully this will get better in time, but who knows...

I got into a fight with my husband last night... He asked me why I was so grumpy lately ..... hmmm, I wonder could it be that I am depressed about what has happened... I told him that I was depressed, and he said why??? Men, do they use their brain? I told him that I was depressed over what has happened, since I really wanted that baby so badly and it was such a blow to me to lose it....and he told me "oh, I thought you were over that by now." WTF... It hasn't even been that long... So, I guess I can't talk to my husband about it and he wouldn't let me talk to anyone else about it, so I guess I am ALONE in this... I really want to talk to my cousin who has been through this before... I have a family reunion on the 22 of this month, which my husband probably wouldn't go to, so I will try to talk to her there... I need support though this and I don't have any....

I see a lot of people (in blogland) have been through this before...and that saddens me...Plus the fact that the statistics for this happening are so high...Why do people rarely talk about then????

2006-07-05T11:55:00.000-05:00

Thank you Angella, Sube, Alli and Thalia for the comments on my blog. They were very helpful. I guess now I don't feel as alone... I am thankful that i found people like you for me to be able to talk about my feelings about this... It still frustrates me that I can't talk to my husband about this, because he tells me that I should be over this already.

I got a call from the dr.'s office on Monday, saying that the blood test that I had done for the pregnancy hormone went up instead of down like it was supposed to. (They are testing me every week until it goes to zero.) They said I could either a) have tissue still in there from the miscarriage -or- b) I could be pregnant again.... I am thinking it is A, but they didn't say what I needed to do if there was still tissue in there... This is my first miscarriage and was my first pregnancy... I am so sick of going in to have blood drawn for what they always say will be the last time I have to do it this round, only to have to come in again next week... When I walk in to the Dr.'s office I relive the miscarriage in my head all over again, which is very frustrating.

I question my fertility too, and maybe i shouldn't...but i question things like maybe there isn't a problem getting pregnant but maybe there is something wrong with me STAYING pregnant. There is so many horrible things floating through my head... To make matters worse to one of the girls at work, who i just told about the miscarriage told me that it wasn't really a baby anyways... that hurt... to me it was a baby... i wanted it SO badly!!!!! I had so many hopes and dreams, and they were all crushed... (Great now i am crying again...)

2006-06-28T12:10:00.000-05:00

Ever since I miscarried (which was only a week or so ago) I have been really upset... I really wanted that baby so badly...and yes, it was a little bit unplanned, but we both wanted it... Now I question if I even want to try again since I worry that it will happen again...and if I would miscarry again, I don't know if I could handle it. My husband doesn't want me to tell anyone since it was going to be our 1st child, so it makes me feel like I have to handle this on my own...and it is rough... I feel so alone in this whole thing.... I was so excited when I found out that we were pregnant and then a week later I started spotting... It horrible... I was so excited to tell my dad for father's day that he would be a grandfather, and then it was gone. I find myself getting a little jealous of pregnant women that I see... I find myself blaming myself for what happened... Like maybe I shouldn't drank that diet Mountain dew every morning... (I stopped once I found out that I was pregnant) but I am finding myself blaming me for everything that went wrong.

2006-06-20T09:13:00.000-05:00

So I was going to originally start this brand new blog off with news that I was pregnant and post updates about our pregnancy...Well, I miscarried and lost our little one a couple days ago... We are deeply upset about this.... Hopefully soon I will have excellent news as we want to try again.